Oh my dear God.
I am so frustrated with my self right now.
I am running out of time.
Everyone and their mother sees it.
And I'm having so much fucking trouble doing something about it.
Fuck. This. Shit.
Dammit, it was so much easier when I had no chance. Then at least I could blame someone else for fucing it up.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Yearrgh!
Blogger can bite me. Stupid service outages.
Livejournal can bite me. Stupid schizoid deleted account settings and friends-only shit.
Physics can bite me. Because I just took my physics 2 final.
And I don't think I did too bad a job.
I'm actually in a fairly good mood, despite what may indicate otherwise. Halfway done with finals, and now I need to actually think about packing, and seeing people for at least one more time before going home. Not too bad, not too bad at all.
Livejournal can bite me. Stupid schizoid deleted account settings and friends-only shit.
Physics can bite me. Because I just took my physics 2 final.
And I don't think I did too bad a job.
I'm actually in a fairly good mood, despite what may indicate otherwise. Halfway done with finals, and now I need to actually think about packing, and seeing people for at least one more time before going home. Not too bad, not too bad at all.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Forces of Nature
I now know for a fact that forces of nature (and maybe even forces of Dan) are conspiring to make my life wicked confusing.
I've lost sight of the basic things. I kind of had a premonition about the nature of the whole thing, so the shift, in retrospect, surprises me not.
But, even whilst in emotional knots, one has to appreciate the simplicity of being thrown of a wall by the demonstrated possibility of mutual attraction.
Jethro Tull - Wond'ring Aloud
Wond'ring aloud --
how we feel today.
Last night sipped the sunset --
my hands in her hair.
We are our own saviours
as we start both our hearts beating life
into each other.
Wond'ring aloud --
will the years treat us well.
As she floats in the kitchen,
I'm tasting the smell
of toast as the butter runs.
Then she comes, spilling crumbs on the bed
and I shake my head.
And it's only the giving
that makes you what you are.
I've lost sight of the basic things. I kind of had a premonition about the nature of the whole thing, so the shift, in retrospect, surprises me not.
But, even whilst in emotional knots, one has to appreciate the simplicity of being thrown of a wall by the demonstrated possibility of mutual attraction.
Jethro Tull - Wond'ring Aloud
Wond'ring aloud --
how we feel today.
Last night sipped the sunset --
my hands in her hair.
We are our own saviours
as we start both our hearts beating life
into each other.
Wond'ring aloud --
will the years treat us well.
As she floats in the kitchen,
I'm tasting the smell
of toast as the butter runs.
Then she comes, spilling crumbs on the bed
and I shake my head.
And it's only the giving
that makes you what you are.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Excuse me...
Excuse me for being so ranty. I don't know what happened to my mood last night. It was weird.
Considering everything that has happened over the past two nights, I've been doing really well. Things are going good right now, and it's easy to lose sight of that. Finals, despite whatever work I do for them, should be good. Hopefully, this last week can rock like this weekend has.
Considering everything that has happened over the past two nights, I've been doing really well. Things are going good right now, and it's easy to lose sight of that. Finals, despite whatever work I do for them, should be good. Hopefully, this last week can rock like this weekend has.
Unexpected curves
Several things happened tonight which I did not expect. Caffeine really fucked with my mood. I guess it didn't help that I wanted to take a baseball bat to someone's face beforehand.
But yet, after getting fucked over in ten fingers (three hands down, and Ben still had a finger on his first), I realized something that my behavior dictated. Something that I had actually been frustrated at myself for before, but now, when the situation presents it self as slapface obvious, makes a whole lot of sense.
If something feels completely awkward, and doesn't present itself as desirable, at least not desirable enough to initiate, you don't. And it's much safer that way.
As fucking pissed and crazy I've been, I have to realize something...I haven't been this comfortable around people....ever. I feel really good about where I am, and I think that's the issue. If I'm in such a good position for myself, why can't I get something started?
Maybe I already have. The more I worry about it, the less satisfied I'll be in the long run.
And hey, the answer may just be an act of violence or aggression. I haven't been able to get any of this shit out of my system in a long time.
But yet, after getting fucked over in ten fingers (three hands down, and Ben still had a finger on his first), I realized something that my behavior dictated. Something that I had actually been frustrated at myself for before, but now, when the situation presents it self as slapface obvious, makes a whole lot of sense.
If something feels completely awkward, and doesn't present itself as desirable, at least not desirable enough to initiate, you don't. And it's much safer that way.
As fucking pissed and crazy I've been, I have to realize something...I haven't been this comfortable around people....ever. I feel really good about where I am, and I think that's the issue. If I'm in such a good position for myself, why can't I get something started?
Maybe I already have. The more I worry about it, the less satisfied I'll be in the long run.
And hey, the answer may just be an act of violence or aggression. I haven't been able to get any of this shit out of my system in a long time.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
It's been a long time since I've done one of these, but...
I had a very weird dream last night.
Well, it wasn't all weird, some made perfect sense. But...
For some reason or another, AEPi had relocated to my house (yes, my house in Massachusetts, I don't know why), and we were preparing to move stuff into storage. I had to drive across in the state in under 45 minutes to get the rest of my stuff, using either my mom's van, or an electric wheelchair. I actually chose the electirc wheelchair first, then kind of realized the mistake inherent in that.
There were other things too, that I either don't remember or won't get into here due to a very high degree of...relevance.
I'm not sure in what direction my mind is flipping out. It is flipping out, as usual, but after figuring out that, given a bit of a wig-out (don't we love those?), I'm still going in the same direction. It is a very likable direction, if I could keep my shit together. Speaking of keeping shit together...
Classes are over! It's pretty fucking cool. Now, if I could somehow find the meaning of true happiness in the next week, my school year will be complete.
Well, it wasn't all weird, some made perfect sense. But...
For some reason or another, AEPi had relocated to my house (yes, my house in Massachusetts, I don't know why), and we were preparing to move stuff into storage. I had to drive across in the state in under 45 minutes to get the rest of my stuff, using either my mom's van, or an electric wheelchair. I actually chose the electirc wheelchair first, then kind of realized the mistake inherent in that.
There were other things too, that I either don't remember or won't get into here due to a very high degree of...relevance.
I'm not sure in what direction my mind is flipping out. It is flipping out, as usual, but after figuring out that, given a bit of a wig-out (don't we love those?), I'm still going in the same direction. It is a very likable direction, if I could keep my shit together. Speaking of keeping shit together...
Classes are over! It's pretty fucking cool. Now, if I could somehow find the meaning of true happiness in the next week, my school year will be complete.
In the Zone
*dances a little to the left*
*dances a little to the right*
Yeah.
Screw this self-doubt bullshit.
I'm in the zone!
*dances a little to the right*
Yeah.
Screw this self-doubt bullshit.
I'm in the zone!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Hot Shit!
I finished my paper. I think it came out ok. That's quite convenient, seeing as it's due tomorrow. I'm very glad that's out of the way.
I should start thinking about finals...that, and packing. Packing this room up will be an exercise in futility. But hey, it must be done.
That was random. But my paper being done made me happy.
I should start thinking about finals...that, and packing. Packing this room up will be an exercise in futility. But hey, it must be done.
That was random. But my paper being done made me happy.
KMFDM - Free Your Hate
So yeah, my music taste has expanded quite significantly, with the largest players being:
Prog (Still): Jethro Tull, Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, King Crimson, Camel, Atomic Rooster, Dream Theater, Liquid Tension Experiment
Industrial: Front Line Assembly, Front 242, Skinny Puppy, Ministry, Rammstein, KMFDM
Indie-ish: The Dresden Dolls, The Dandy Warhols, The Eels, Gogol Bordello, Dismemberment Plan
Dance-ish: The Faint, Electric Six, Radio 4
Punk: The Clash, The Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat, Flogging Molly, Fugazi
Reggae-ish: Matisyahu
OK. Done with that. Now onto the actual entry.
The one thing I hate about my behavior is my paranoia. The feeling that when you do not act, or when you act and do something you may not have wanted to do, everyone else automatically knows...and reacts in the worst possible way. How many times will I have to prove to myself that it's not as bad as I make it out to be...I really exaggerate everything in my head...and then get paranoid about it. It bothers me to no end. I worry, stew, and refuse to approach an issue, but when I finally do, nothing bad happened, I was just being paranoid. Grr.
It's like I said before...I'm unused to being successful at this whole social thing, so now I'm in a new position, and don't exactly know how to deal with it. Which, to say the least, is annoying and frustrating.
Things will make more sense next year. At least then, I'll be rolling with it the whole year instead of waiting til like fucking February or March. Ah, the joys of being single. Heh. Right.
Prog (Still): Jethro Tull, Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, King Crimson, Camel, Atomic Rooster, Dream Theater, Liquid Tension Experiment
Industrial: Front Line Assembly, Front 242, Skinny Puppy, Ministry, Rammstein, KMFDM
Indie-ish: The Dresden Dolls, The Dandy Warhols, The Eels, Gogol Bordello, Dismemberment Plan
Dance-ish: The Faint, Electric Six, Radio 4
Punk: The Clash, The Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat, Flogging Molly, Fugazi
Reggae-ish: Matisyahu
OK. Done with that. Now onto the actual entry.
The one thing I hate about my behavior is my paranoia. The feeling that when you do not act, or when you act and do something you may not have wanted to do, everyone else automatically knows...and reacts in the worst possible way. How many times will I have to prove to myself that it's not as bad as I make it out to be...I really exaggerate everything in my head...and then get paranoid about it. It bothers me to no end. I worry, stew, and refuse to approach an issue, but when I finally do, nothing bad happened, I was just being paranoid. Grr.
It's like I said before...I'm unused to being successful at this whole social thing, so now I'm in a new position, and don't exactly know how to deal with it. Which, to say the least, is annoying and frustrating.
Things will make more sense next year. At least then, I'll be rolling with it the whole year instead of waiting til like fucking February or March. Ah, the joys of being single. Heh. Right.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Sanity Check
Well, I've written nearly half of my paper, and as a result, feel significantly better about a lot of shit. Academic shit, at least.
I'm on a bit of a break now...wait to hear from Andrew regarding physics, and then, if that's done before 11, maybe write a bit more paper. Otherwise, it can wait. At this rate, I'll have no problem being done by the due date.
Other problems, I suppose. I'm still easily intimidated about the whole thing, which makes it hard for me to just pick up the phone...I'll do it though. I'll hate myself if I don't.
On one hand, I'm kind of glad I haven't done anything horrifically serious, because then I'd really be screwing things up wth people. I just wish I could have made it easier on myself. I made a few poor choices, but I've just been way too indecisive about everything. I hope people can be sympathetic...or at least empathetic. Sympathetic was most likely the wrong word. Whatever (grammar weevil strikes again! don't know what the grammar weevil is? tough shit! chew it!).
In other news...I'm back in two weeks. That's weird. I'll worry about the weirdness later...in the meanwhile, I should get emotionally ready for finals, and find about 10-20 cubic feet of packing space. Boxes, anyone?
I'm on a bit of a break now...wait to hear from Andrew regarding physics, and then, if that's done before 11, maybe write a bit more paper. Otherwise, it can wait. At this rate, I'll have no problem being done by the due date.
Other problems, I suppose. I'm still easily intimidated about the whole thing, which makes it hard for me to just pick up the phone...I'll do it though. I'll hate myself if I don't.
On one hand, I'm kind of glad I haven't done anything horrifically serious, because then I'd really be screwing things up wth people. I just wish I could have made it easier on myself. I made a few poor choices, but I've just been way too indecisive about everything. I hope people can be sympathetic...or at least empathetic. Sympathetic was most likely the wrong word. Whatever (grammar weevil strikes again! don't know what the grammar weevil is? tough shit! chew it!).
In other news...I'm back in two weeks. That's weird. I'll worry about the weirdness later...in the meanwhile, I should get emotionally ready for finals, and find about 10-20 cubic feet of packing space. Boxes, anyone?
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