Several things happened tonight which I did not expect. Caffeine really fucked with my mood. I guess it didn't help that I wanted to take a baseball bat to someone's face beforehand.
But yet, after getting fucked over in ten fingers (three hands down, and Ben still had a finger on his first), I realized something that my behavior dictated. Something that I had actually been frustrated at myself for before, but now, when the situation presents it self as slapface obvious, makes a whole lot of sense.
If something feels completely awkward, and doesn't present itself as desirable, at least not desirable enough to initiate, you don't. And it's much safer that way.
As fucking pissed and crazy I've been, I have to realize something...I haven't been this comfortable around people....ever. I feel really good about where I am, and I think that's the issue. If I'm in such a good position for myself, why can't I get something started?
Maybe I already have. The more I worry about it, the less satisfied I'll be in the long run.
And hey, the answer may just be an act of violence or aggression. I haven't been able to get any of this shit out of my system in a long time.
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