What a Ride

I am at a complete loss for words.
If I said this was a rare occurence I may be lying (at least in the blog context), but I do tend to be a bit on the verbose side.
On one hand, I got something very important off my chest, that had been there for a very long time.
On the other hand, I've kind of opened a Pandora's Box of "Nuclear Emotional Meltdown" in the process. I haven't done that since...well, senior year of high school.
It's a unique position to be in, this one I am. And one may say that I'm bundling a large quantity of trouble on myself.
But I couldn't see there being anywhere better than where I am. And I'd like to believe that says something.

Inner Conflict and Ruptured Blood Vessels

Well, shit.
This weekend was insane. It did go to show that I have managed to learn some important lessons about a lot of things, which made some elements of my weekend more pleasant than they had been when I tried to incorporate them previously this year.
And this weekend, in addition to the things I expected (crazy parties, having my ass grabbed due to my pants), were things I did not expect. As always.
At this point, I am solid in my philosophy about being honest with myself. And at least one thing that was said did seem to reinforce that my personal "oh shit" moment was coming up soon.
Well, here I am. Don't know what's going to happen next. Things could get wicked interesting within the next week or two...in fact, I think at this point, my life will probably stay pretty damn interesting until I go home for Thanksgiving.
And yeah, on a completely other note, Mr. Fraternity was ridiculous. Robbie, you were amazing.

Clutch - Wishbone

For Thanksgiving we had 'tatas,
succotash and rudebagas.
Then came turkey from the oven.
Broke the wishbone.
Covenants were sealed and set.

On the losing end of a wishbone,
and I won't pretend not to mind.
On the losing end of a wishbone,
and I won't pretend not to mind.

Christmas Eve we ate at Aunty's.
We had some ham glazed with honey.
Rolled the Yule log on the fire.
Threw the hambone to the dogs and went to bed.

On the losing end of a wishbone,
and I won't pretend not to mind.
On the losing end of a wishbone,
and I won't pretend not to mind.

In the morning the weathercock was heard
asking what he had learned of the Earth.

This is the hardest rocking song ever written about eating dinner. Ever.

Clutch - Promoter

Warmed up my motor, swindled the promoter
Took a lunatic for a ride
And a little voice said inside my head
Rosemary baby, I got the thyme

Suffering madness and the Pharoah’s plague
I, Akhenaten tell you some other day
No thank you, that’s enough for me
A little bit of Ritalin goes a long way

Ready to rock if you want to roll
Please step away from the vehicle
Ragnarock and revolutionize
Gimme just a minute while I clarify

Cooled down my temper, tried to remember
What it was I wasn’t to lose
And I probably could were it not for
The beer and the broads and the broads and the booze.

Hooked on stupid, and the whole shebang
I never have ever felt the same
No thank you, that’s enough for me
That’s prozacly not what I need

Ready to rock if you want to roll
Please step away from the vehicle
Ragnarock and revolutionize
Gimme just a minute while I clarify

Proof that the Ladder Theory is bullshit

I had a really good conversation with someone last night. In retrospect, it wasn't much of a deviation from the norm, but her insight was something I needed to hear.
Thank you. Sometimes the smallest considerations can be real eye-openers to someone who wasn't looking at the situation the right way.
I think I need to pull back a bit. If I more fully understood the nature of what was going on, I could act. For now, I'll stay the course, despite the periods of time I must let pass with nothing happening. Eh, oh well. Not like I don't have anything to do.

This point

So I'm at this point, where I am once again feeling outside of everything.
At some juncture I'll note when during the month this happens, because I seriously think it's a hormonal thing.
But the thing is, that despite how lonely and depressed it makes me feel, it's an emotion, and emotions are just reactions. What I can make happen is not a result of how shitty my neurotransmitters make me feel, it is a direct consequence of my conscious decision to get up and make shit happen. I need to think of how to do this, but I will do it. Somehow.

In all honesty

Yeah, I don't know what the hell I want. No real surprise.
I suppose seeing a lot of different things blowing up around me has put things in perspective.
I'll figure it out. I'll take this at my own pace. But it will move. So I will continue in the direction I was going. It at least makes some semblance of sense to me.
Mid-semester break was good. Is good, I suppose.

A common truth

I like a lot of people out there in this here world.
I wish more of them liked me back.

That's about it.

As depressing as that sounds, I'm actually in a really good mood. Would you believe it?

If only people knew...

If people knew the truth of the matter, my legs would have been broken about six times over by now. I love it.
The weekend was absolutely amazing, and I even got back to quota with work. I ran a session, my car chase ran out of gas relatively quickly (there is a way to hit 'motive gear', so when the chaser is disabled the first turn...yeah. Didn't anticipate that), but I have a comeback. Which is good. And oh yeah... Patrick was here all weekend, instantaneously making it the best ever. Word.
I got a haircut! My jewfro is dead. Or, at least, trimmed neatly. Kinda. Whatever.

A boatload of BWAH.

In order:
1. Decisions, decisions. Aw shit.
2. Yes, reading people's signals is tricky business for me. Sometimes, I really wish someone could do something really blatant. Because if they don't, I will, with sometimes odd consequences.
3. I'm kind of *twitch**twitch* right now. Too much going on, and caffeine combined with it doesn't help.
4. I wish I could take action right now...but I can't, really.

That was random. As it should be. Big weekend coming up. And I need to find someone staying home over midsemester break to be all Pittsburgh with.

I enjoyed this

The Dresden Dolls try to kill off Panic at the Disco

It's entertaining. I watched it.

Kicking the gain up

Last night's session, I kicked the gain up, and proved I was serious. Best, a sweet cliffhanger, a potential new player, and a very dramatic session.
I learned that the luck card system is a great way to throw curveballs in the session, and make things a lot more exciting.
I also have successfully tied all but one character into the main plot (and I'm working hard on that last one).
I love this game.

I like modifying cars, but this is ridiculous

Duck Call on a Turbo BOV

Man, people have way too much free time on their hands.

My conclusion

I think too goddamn much.
I have a lot on my plate that I need to work through. Basic things, like academics, and my laundry list of fraternal commitments. I will have a very well-rounded resume by the end of this year, to be sure.
The things that need to be accomplished now are very straightforward. Kick ass in class, fling for Greek Sing...do the EGL thing. Play a sweet RPG...figure out what the hell happened to tea. Maybe even see if someone likes me.

It's all good. I've put a lot on my plate, and it's important to tune back and figure out where I am, in any given moment of lapsing sanity.

Yom Kippur

Birth is a beginning and death is a destination. And life is a journey: From childhood to maturity and youth to age; From innocence to awareness and ignorance to knowing; From foolishness to discretion and then, perhaps, to wisdom; From weakness to strength or strength to weakness. And, often, back again; From loneliness to love, from joy to gratitude, from pain to compassion, From grief to understanding, from fear to faith; From defeat to defeat to defeat. Until looking backward or ahead, We see that victory lies not at some high place along the way, But in having made the journey, stage by stage a sacred pilgrimage. Birth is a beginning and death is a destination. And life is a journey, a sacred pilgrimage - to life everlasting. (Rabbi Alvin Fine)

To everyone, an easy fast. I forgive any iniquity towards me in the past year. I can only pray those who I have wronged will do the same.